By Andrew Fox Washington and Lee Administration Addresses Confederate Flag Protesters “Go Ahead, Make My Day”

Washington and Lee’s administration broke its silence on the matter of the ongoing protests outside Lee Chapel issuing a direct response to the press. “Go ahead, make my day,” remarked the University when confronted with the prospect that protests decrying the removal of Confederate flags from Lee Chapel may persist well into the school year. “You think we’re afraid of a bunch of grassroots picket lines?! Please, we’ve seen stinkbugs that were bigger threats,” noted the W&L administration, adding, ”We kept this ship running through Hurricane Sandy for cryin’ out loud!” Indeed compared to the plethora of issues that confront Washington and Lee’s administration, the notion that a motley crew of people demonstrating outside Lee Chapel in infrequent increments seems all too insignificant. When asked how much time and effort has gone into handling the flag protest situation one W&L administrator offered this insight, ”Let me walk you through a day in my life. I wake up, go downstairs, fix myself some breakfast, then proceed to answer some twenty-odd phone calls from alums where I have to explain either what third year housing is, how sex week isn’t a real thing, or why a magazine that calls itself an Observer or something keeps sending them godforsaken emails. Then after about three hours of that I go back upstairs, a pair of bellows in hand, and smoke out the Washington Post reporter that I know for a FACT is hiding in my chimney waiting to ask me how come our campus fails to adequately observe Groundhog day or why we fall well below the national average with regards to our acceptance rates of middle children with a mild strawberry allergy suffering from a fear of fingerprints.”

Mock Con Looking to Sign Lil Jon as Keynote Speaker, Means One Thing: “Turn Out for What!”

After the dismissal of Chief Keef and Flavor Flav, W&L Mock Convention is now in pursuit of a true hype man, specifically rapper, “actor,” and inspirer of parody, Lil Jon. Indeed Lil Jon, the self-appointed King of Crunk and mastermind behind such timeless tunes as “Get Low” and “Yeah,” seems a perfect fit. Fresh off a campaign to encourage young adult voter turnout for the 2014 midterm elections centered around the phrase “Turn Out for What!”, Lil Jon appears to have taken up the cause for civic engagement, and hopefully Washington and Lee University’s historic Mock Convention becomes his next destination. The bid to add Lil Jon as a speaker for Mock Con should come as no surprise since the rapper’s recent campaign to eliminate apathy in young voters falls in line with W&L Mock Con’s own goal of inspiring political engagement and participation across the entire campus through a cohesive effort. In the arduous search for a speaker to incite political engagement across campus, officials concluded that nothing captured W&L Mock Con’s mission of inclusion and enthusiasm more effectively than the affirmative and unflagging “Yeahhh” so often uttered by Lil Jon.  (NOTE: Lil Jon is not to be confused with Little John, the trusted sidekick of Robin Hood. Little John is a fictional character, hiring him would be absurd.)