Satirical Spectator
By Andrew Fox Administration seeming a little trigger-happy of late, kicks off Ring-tum Phi by mistake
In a turn of events suggesting the administration’s growing apprehensiveness towards all things Greek, the W&L accidentally suspended The Ring-tum Phi for three years, citing fears that the last word in the publication’s name inspires “dangerous” Greek-oriented sympathies. At press time, the dean of students was out of office and could not be found for comment, although unconfirmed reports spotted the dean sowing salt in the fraternity lawns. Two other organizations narrowly avoided the chopping block: Phi Beta Kappa, and Omicron Delta Kappa, whom the administration could’ve sworn they spotted serving grain alcohol at their last band party hosted at Courthouse Square.
P.R Firm’s Findings Reveal Recent W&L Scandals Help Distract from Slightly Less Recent W&L Scandals, Encouraged to “Just Roll With It.”
A recent report conducted by a PR firm has uncovered fascinating information about Washington and Lee’s current status. Given a preponderance of issues plaguing the university, including but not limited to: constant construction; admissions scandals; bungled EC elections; reports of hazing; drunk driving; sexual assault; cheap toilet paper; and the Title IX director’s controversial stance on what constitutes asbestos poisoning, the firm has concluded that the only thing preventing any one controversy from getting blown out of proportion is the fact that more controversies keep arising to distract everybody from previous ones. ”Remember Sex Week? Me neither,” remarked one official, adding, “Hell, I can’t even recall the last time someone brought up third year housing. The big news right now is the law school, I mean that is until Title X gets passed, and I mean oh boy, we’ll all be in for a treat when that baby drops…” In accordance with the time-tested proverb “a rolling stone gathers no moss”, W&L has been advised by the Administration to continue stumbling into more controversies, in order to prevent any one particular scandal from sticking. One official went so far as to claim that the practice of anticipating W&L’s gaffes has gotten down to a science. “You can generally tell what kind of controversy is occurring based on the quarter,” noted the official. “Right now we’re in a very strong Liberals-pissing-off-Conservatives quarter, but expect that to change next month when a frat brings in Chris Brown for its formal weekend.” Although the official lamented how stressful it can be to constantly perform damage control for the university, he nevertheless expressed optimism for W&L’s future: “Just pray to God no one finds out where we buried the Speaking Tradition.”