Satirical Spectator
By Andrew Fox Quick Hit:
Email controversies aside, the generally spotless record of W&L fraternities this year prompts collective sigh of relief that is immediately picked up by at least seven DEA wire-taps across campus
Newly-Elected President regales W&L Administration with tales of the mystical Northeast
With the W&L Administration encircled around an open fire on a beautiful March night, the newly elected president arrived to delight the giddy bunch with tales of his time in the magical Northeast.
“Is… it really like… what they… say in the stories, Mister?” asked one prodding Title VI Director.
“It’s everything and more,” replied the new president in between hearty chuckles.
“Do they really have… you know… required housing all four years?” asked another rather bashful Dean of First Years.
“Of course not, that’d be too good to be true,” sniped the Dean of Students.
“Oh, but it is true,” the new president said assuredly, “ that everyone lives in apartments on-campus and that every semester, the whole student body pays for the rooms.”
A series of Ooohs and Aaahs emanated from the group.
One brave Director of Admissions proceeded to ask, “Do they even have… gender-neutral bathrooms?”
The question was met by the sound of muffled giggles and snorts.
“Hush-hush,” implored the new President before responding, ”Yes they do. I mean, why wouldn’t they?”
The new President then added, ”Perhaps one day I’ll show you what it’s like to live up there.”
“Oh, you mean in Massachusetts?” jumbled the transient Title VI Director.
“No, no, no, silly,” replied the president, “I meant up in US News and World’s Liberal Arts Top 10.”
Emperor Spectator implores you to “channel your hatred, let your outrage consume you.”
BREAKING NEWS. In an eerie showdown between yourself, your estranged non-binary father figure, and the ruler of the galaxy, Emperor Spectator, some troubling statements have just been issued. After a drawn-out duel, a standstill occurs following your brief burst of rage. It is in this moment of weakness that Emperor Spectator ecstatically groans,”Yesss… channel your hatred. Let it consume you.” In the background, starcrafts duke it out in the utter blankness of space as the fate of the entire Washington and Lee Universe hangs in the balance. A wounded Darth Vader argues that these are all merely opinion pieces and should be taken with a grain of salt, but this is a point Lord Spectator is quick to dismiss. “Pssh, it’s more than opinion,” scoffs the Emperor, you stay calm for a moment, but then the tyrant eggs you on. The Emperor begins to prod, ”Did you see the Ring-tum-Phi’s FDR poll?” This epic confrontation, of course, transpired at the notoriously well-attended EC election speeches at Stackhouse. In the meantime, a new Death Star labeled “Fourth Year Housing” ominously hovers over Windfall Hill.
By Werdna Xof Ripples of shock and dismay swept across the Washington and Lee campus today, as a startling breach in the electoral process was discovered. In an email sent to the Class of 2018, a candidate for Student Body President criticized the other candidate’s platform for offering Chipotle during exams. This harmful rhetoric was clearly intended to divide members of the W&L community against one another, by engaging in vicious and culinary personal attacks. Fearful of anti-Chipotle riots breaking out in Lexington, supporters of the maligned candidate quickly rallied to his defense, spiriting him deep into the Cadaver tunnels. Other students were soon reduced to glancing over their shoulders in barely-suppressed terror: could their favorite burrito chain be next on the rhetorical chopping block? What would be next? Hope soon emerged in the radiant figures of the VRB, having just returned from awarding Pixar’s Wall-e just one star on Rotten Tomatoes for its “post-apocalyptic, sci-fi space dwelling fat shaming that is both harmful, dishonorable, and having no place at Washington and Lee.” In a brilliant move, the VRB sent an email to the entire student body, reminding students that to quote your opponent’s platform is an unacceptable attack on their reputation. When asked about the broader implications of Chipotle-Gate on Washington and Lee’s vaunted community of honor, a VRB member spokesperson forlornly remarked: “It would have a chilling effect on Robert E. Lee’s soul to know that the student body today is so preoccupied with Chipotle. It is now up to us, the VRB, to save Washington and Lee from the callous fast-food detractors that are poisoning our political discourse and discouraging other students to run for positions in the student Government.” A nearby student, having overheard this conversation, walked over and said, “I think Washington and Lee students are mature and civil enough to take minor criticism in stride. As gentlemen and gentlewomen, it is not unreasonable to expect that we will have thicker skins than adolescents on a playground.” An awkward silence ensued until public safety searched the student, and found that he was not an EC member; for his presumption in commenting on a campus debate without EC membership, the public safety officers immediately dragged him off to be locked away in Third-Year housing.