Spectator Writers Complain about having Nothing to Complain About

By Werdna Xof

Lexington, Virginia – As a remarkably controversy-free year continues at Washington and Lee University, the school’s familiar, malevolent band of malcontents, writers of the Spectator, have found themselves frustratingly bereft of any scandals to denounce. With the introduction of a new President accompanied by a strife-filled Presidential Election, many of the Spectator staff were convinced that the University would unravel at the seams, ensuring a steady flow of ready-made gripe material to drive circulation of their magazine. However, University affairs have remained relatively peaceful and calm on campus, prompting members of the Spectator to lament the misfortune of their school’s good fortune. Asked about the conspicuous lack of conspicuous events on campus, Editor-in-Chief Benjamin Gee soberly commented, “There’s simply nothing interesting happening at W&L this year. No fraternities have been banned, the DEA hasn’t returned, and not even a single tradition has been challenged. Not…one!” Before elaborating, Mr. Gee promptly strode away, soon overheard muttering lines from some inane Elizabethan tragedy. Other Spectator writers reacted to their school’s disaster deprivation with heightened desperation. Executive Editor Benjamin Whedon has been spotted recently around campus, nocturnally scouting the Cadaver tunnels in an apparent Crusade to find a Soviet Gulag beneath campus. Mr. Whedon grounds his logic in the reasonable supposition that the Cadavers are the University’s most privileged students, and therefore are most likely to be suffering from post “privilege walk” trauma in a Soviet reeducation camp.