Satirical Spectator: A Few More Classes

By Will Tanner ‘21

In light of the recent scandal over Professor Gildner’s class on how to write like a Marxist revolutionary for the purpose of overthrowing the state and President Dudley’s defense of that class, I had a few more suggestions that I think would complement it and its focus on Che Guevara, one of our hemisphere’s worst tyrants and mass-murderers, quite nicely. I even formatted them in language that our own post-revolution, W&L administrative apparatchiks might use:

1. Strategic Management 101: Relocating Personnel Like Stalin and Mao (Offered all Fall and Winter Terms)

Want to learn how to effectively relocate (and occasionally “let go”) employees? Did you take Professor Gildner’s class on being a Marxist Revolutionary? Then this class is for you! Based on Premier Stalin’s gulag relocation strategy from 1922-1952 and Chairman Mao’s “Laogai” camps from the Cultural Revolution, this groundbreaking class will teach you how to “break ground” on new facilities after you complete that Marxist revolution that we taught you to foment and carry out! Plus, this class will help you ensure that you are a “Stalin” rather than a “Beria.”

For your benefit: Spots are limited because the capitalist pigs will only let us spend so much money, but those that do not at least request a seat will be judged harshly by the EC. President Dudley and the School PolitburoAdministration do not take kindly upon those who stop clapping first, so to speak.

2. Public Speaking 101: Speaking like Mussolini and Goebbels (Offered all Fall and Winter Terms)

So, you took a Marxist writing class and think you’ll be effective at overthrowing the state? Just wait till you learn how to speak like a true fascist! Do you really think all those Brownshirts and Blackshirts would have signed up because of some wimpy tract from Che? Of course not! But if you take this class, perhaps people will hear your message and join up with your attempt to overthrow the government.

Based on the best and most timeless works of Goebbels, Hitler, and Mussolini, this class will teach you how to emulate some of the 20th century’s most convincing speakers. Your grasp and adoption of their styles, gestures, and viewpoints will be heavily considered when grading your work for this course.

3. Experiential Learning: Tired of those Pesky Marxist Revolutionaries? Fly a Helicopter like Pinochet (Spring Term Only)

In order to present a balanced perspective academically, we’ve decided to offer a class based on an entirely different perspective: that of the renowned Chilean dictator, Augusto Pinochet, and his Chicago Boys! After realizing that people might be mad about the class on overthrowing the state like Che, we decided it would be prudent to “show both sides” and focus this class on how to take care of those annoying Marxist revolutionaries getting in your way. 

Since Generalissimo Augusto José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte had ample experience dealing with Marxists like Che, this class will focus entirely on how he dealt with people like that. You will learn how to give rambling speeches, silence dissident classmates, and even fly a helicopter and toss out mannequins. 

While I recognize that some members of our community that aren’t particularly open-minded might have a problem with these classes, I would challenge them to think deeply about what made their academic experience here at W&L great. Was it reading the great works, learning more about Western civilization, and taking classes that might help you be successful as a functional adult in society, such as the classes in the C School? Was your time here great because this school was one island of reasonableness in a sea of cultural Marxism and far-left schools? No! Of course not! What made your time here great was taking ridiculous classes meant to teach you an edgy political ideology.

And, as I expect some challenges to these classes, I would just like to remind you that President Dudley’s defense of the Che class still stands. Any critiques of them will be described as “distorted, sensationalized, and turned into political fodder.” Additionally, just as “the goal of our introductory writing courses is to impress upon our students the power of the well-written word and to strengthen their ability to write clearly and persuasively,” the goal of this strategic management course is to get students to think critically about how to transfer personnel, the goal of the public speaking class is to teach them how to speak effectively, and, well, Pinochet seemed like the opposite of Che. So, what better way to get these students to learn than to teach them from such greats as Stalin and Mussolini?