Satirical Spectator: The Covid Commissars
By Will Tanner ‘21
Like all of you, I was terrified as soon as I heard about the most terrible disease to ever reach American shores that also definitely wasn’t the fault of the CCP. When I saw that the recovery rate for people generally fitting the age brackets on campus (19 and 70) were only between 99.997% and 99.5%, I could barely contain my stomach-churning fear of this plague. I didn’t care that a similar version of this virus, generally called the “Hong Kong Flu,” happened in 1968 and the nation didn’t even seem to notice it, much less shut down the entire nation and ruin the livelihoods of many people in the process. I couldn’t have cared less that the CDC’s pandemic playbook never once suggested a lockdown, or that countless voices said that lockdowns might be a bad idea. None of that mattered to me. Why should it? I was scared, and I desperately wanted irrationally fearful and obviously counterproductive “guidelines” from the school. I wanted them to throw rationality and evidence to the wind and embrace the strictest policies possible, which they certainly did. Thank goodness we have our Covid Commissars!
Every student here has received countless emails from covid19@wlu.edu and Dean Tammi this year. I’m so thankful for their highly detailed warnings about the exact number of cases (except, seemingly, those living in off-campus houses) and what specific shade of yellow “danger zone” we are in. At one point, we were one shade of yellow away from red – the horror! That came shortly after we were at medium-dark yellow, so perhaps it was medium-darker yellow. Or beige. There are so many colors that it could be, but I’m just glad to be kept informed about what color we’re at. After all, college students everywhere are dying from Covid by the millions. Although, I do think they should start adding some “Danger Zone” clips from Top Gun to really reinforce the fact that we’re in the upper-lower-medium-dark yellow danger zone because a few people caught the virus.
Yet I’m nowhere near as glad for that as I am for the regulations coming from the Covid Commissars that have finally turned W&L into VMI, aka paradise on Earth. Well, VMI without the in-shape, polite students that get weekly haircuts.
For example, right now we’re allowed to hang out in groups up to 10 (!!) while inside and a truly astounding 25 (!!!!!) when we brave the elements and gather outside. I can’t believe the Covid Commissars took the super dangerous step of moving up from 6 and 10 people, respectively. They’re truly heroes of the University of Phoenix- Lexington for doing so. Well, except for the fact that we still need to wear masks, even while socially distanced. Even outside. Very sensical of them.
On the note of masks and social distancing, the directives of the Covid Commissars make complete and total sense and are definitely not alarmist in any sense of the word. For most of the semester, we were not permitted to eat inside the dining facilities for ... reasons. Restaurants? Sure! At home/in on-campus housing? Sure, eat there too! But at D-Hall? Absolutely not. And with masks, the regulations are very deliberate and restrained. Like the Covid Commissars, I also think it is completely necessary to wear a mask while walking around alone outside or farther than 6 feet away from people, or at athletic practice/a PE. Especially if I’m wearing a neck gaiter, which the university counts as a “mask,” but studies show does more to spread the disease than contain it. I’ll probably never be seen in public without a mask again, as studies have shown that non-N95 masks are mostly useless but a great way to virtue signal that you take your .04% chance of dying quite seriously.
Similarly, their efforts to improve student mental health are exactly what you’d expect from such rigid and committed Covid Commissars: non-existent. Sure, there are hundreds of freshmen here that aren’t really allowed to venture outside their dorm rooms and meet anyone, much less enjoy a real rush experience. And yes, we all know that one of the main reasons people come to W&L is to be social. But none of that matters anymore. Customer satisfaction is the last concern when you’re trying to avoid that .04% chance of a bad outcome. Hopefully there are no lightning strikes anytime soon, someone could get hit (unless they wear a lightning mask)!
Also, I’d like to complement our Covid Commissars on the complete disintegration of the W&L community they’ve caused. Instead of encouraging students to have fun together when outside of class to break the monotony and stress of online classes (and the soul-sucking void that is the ever-masked Covid campus), they’ve instead recommended that we turn each other in if we see someone having fun and perhaps not following the guidelines to the letter. Snitching on your peers for playing beer pong or watching a movie without a mask on will no longer earn you the title of “snitch.” Now, you’ll earn a gold star from the University of Phoenix- Lexington for betraying your socializing classmates. And not only have the Covid Commissars used eager students to impose their will, but they’ve also tricked unwitting students into reporting their peers. When a few dastardly seniors were caught being normal W&L seniors off campus, the school asked for a list of names and insisted it would not be used to punish anyone. The next day, the names on the list received emails from the Commissars and were duly punished. Such underhanded tactics are exactly what is needed to make students trust the administration!
Finally, I'd like to compliment the Covid Commissars on their iron-fisted response to anyone who isn’t too worried about that next-to-zero chance of a bad consequence from getting the Disease-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Whenever there is evidence that someone committed a crime against the campus, they are sent home. Watching a movie with your friends? Banished to Siberia! Having fun with a few friends at an off-campus house? Exiled! Playing golf without a mask? Bye-bye! That last one makes particularly good sense, especially since playing golf involves such huge groups of people.
Thank goodness we have our amazing Covid Commissars like President Dudley and Dean Tammi. Hopefully none of the dozens of freshmen that are planning on leaving next semester and moving to states with less authoritarian policies actually do so. They have a .04% chance of something happening to them, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to transfer to a free-state SEC school where the regulations are reasonable and the Gestapo won’t come for them. That would be a real shame if they managed to find a school that let them enjoy their freshman year and take risks as they see fit.
Non-satirical note: While I joke about the University of Phoenix-Lexington, I fully understand that some professors are worried about catching Covid and have made their classes fully online for that reason. I understand that and think it is smart. However, online classes are not what we are paying for; W&L is the most expensive school in the Old Dominion and it makes no sense that tuition has remained the same even though we are not receiving in-person instruction in many classes.