Satire: The Hypocrisy of Our Covid Czars

Thanks to government and school-imposed restrictions these past two semesters, campus life has been wholly different. Parties aren’t supposed to happen, everyone walks around wearing mostly useless masks, students are told to view their fellows as potential disease vectors rather than friends and community members, and even outdoor activities, such as watching sporting events, are discouraged.

A group of sophomores were sent home last semester, the reason being they dared to watch a movie.

Other students have been driven away from the stadiums while attempting to watch their friends play lacrosse or soccer.

Parents of students from other schools, trying to watch their kids compete in a track meet, were forced to leave because of our “threat level.” Yes, Covid Karen, I’m sure that one father sitting on a patch of grass, alone, with a mask on, is the most dangerous vector of biological warfare to ever arrive on our campus. Forget about being a welcoming community – the zero people nearby him could potentially have been exposed to the virus!

We’ve been told to pull up our masks between bites of food. If that’s the cost of not getting a disease that has an almost 0% chance of harming me, I think I’ll take my chances.

Oh, and online sorority rush was arbitrarily pushed back, after students had already arrived back on campus early for rush, because…the Covid monster can be spread through the Internet, I suppose. Must be a new variant. Meanwhile, graduation has been moved away from Lee Chapel because some outdoor spaces are more equal than others. 

The result of all that nonsense has been the degradation of our community. People can’t see their friends for fear of breaking some rule or another, the speaking tradition is dying thanks to everyone looking like a masked bandito, and the social atmosphere that Washington and Lee was known for has withered on the vine. Meanwhile, schools like SMU have few restrictions in place but are doing just fine. And even when slightly higher numbers of W&L students have gotten infected, the virus wasn’t spread to professors. But such facts must not be spoken of; the Covid Commissars enjoy their power.

It would be bad enough if the rules were enforced equally and the guidelines remained in place for everyone. But they haven’t. Fraternities have been viciously attacked by the administration and the Covid Commissars for daring to do what they want off-campus, but other events – those more conducive to this administration’s stance against Lee – have been left free of interference.

The most blatant example of that was the recent “Change the Name” walk-out and march around campus. According to observers, many attendees weren’t socially distancing and the size of the gathering, somewhere between two and three hundred people, far exceeded the guidelines our ever-watchful Covid Commissars deem reasonable.

If other students want to see more than 10 friends, they can’t. If a student wanted to watch his friends play in their senior season, they couldn’t. But people who don’t like the school in the first place have permission to march around in a large crowd. Makes total sense to me!

The Covid Commissars responded to my inquiries about that apparent dichotomy in enforcement of the rules by informing me that “because [it] was not a social gathering, it did not constitute a violation of the university’s social gathering size limit of ten people.” Additionally, they informed me that no one was reprimanded or found to be in violation of the Covid policies because the students there were “largely in compliance” with the guidelines and requests of the Covid committee.

Got it. Covid can’t spread if you’re sufficiently woke and come up with a different name for your event. I wonder, however, what else qualifies as “largely in compliance” and not a social gathering. Could we perhaps protest the Covid Commissars at 11pm or so on Windfall Hill this Friday? Since it’s a protest, not a social gathering, Covid can’t spread.

My point here isn’t that the march should have been shut down. Free speech is incredibly important and it’s their right to do as they please. But if one event can happen, why not another of a similar size but different name? I doubt Covid spreads any less at a march where people are shouting than at a bonfire where people are singing. Unless the virus is as woke as our school’s bureaucracy, I can’t quite see how the name of an event makes much of a difference.

But I’m sure I’m wrong. Perhaps Covid itself understands that it shouldn’t infect protesters. Maybe that lab in Wuhan forced the virus to complete anti-racism training and endure self-flagellation allowing it to spread.

In any case, all of this is irrelevant because the Covid Commissars know best and will keep up the arbitrary restrictions as they please.

[The opinions expressed in this magazine are the author's own and do not reflect the official policy or position of The Spectator, or any students or other contributors associated with the magazine. It is the intention of The Spectator to promote student thought and civil discourse, and it is our hope to maintain that civility in all discussions.]